Sex-positive media round-up #1
There’s nothing that warms my heart quite like a fabulously sex-positive blog post, or video, or meme. In that spirit, here’s all the sex-positivity I happened upon across the web universe this week. The laugh out-loud This glorious little video guarantees you’ll never look at Nutella the same way. Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: The Differences Explained With Food Videos like this one are a part of a growing understanding that watching porn should not inform your idea of what real sex and real sexual moves look like. Bringing us to: The educational Cindy Gallop is on a mission to make real sex videos available for people wanting to watch something other than porn. Her website MakeLoveNotPorn.tv allows users to watch videos of real people having real sex for $5; or they can upload their own sex tape and make a commission on the profits. And amidst a dozen or so variations of the “Application to Date My Daughter” I saw scattered about my Facebook news feed this week, my friend Gayle made my day when she sent me this gem: The Heartwarming Dear Daughter: I Hope You Have Awesome Sex Because really, is there anything more heartwarming than a dad with sex-positive aspirations for his daughter? The funny quote And to wrap it up, here’s a quote from one of my writing idols on two of my favorite things: sex and food. “Just before I’d moved to New York, two historic events had occurred: The birth control pill had been invented, and the first Julia Child cookbook was published. As a result, everyone was having sex, and when the sex was over, you cooked something.” – Nora Ephron, I Feel Bad About My Neck...
read moreInternational Women’s Day
Well look-ee here, it’s International Women’s Day. Even Google got in on the commemorating. Here’s what the banner over their search bar looks like today. What exactly is International Women’s Day? Today’s Christian Science Monitor has a lot of interesting background on it. To summarize: in the U.S., the American Socialist Party first declared a National Women’s Day in 1908. It gained world-wide traction during the International Conference of Working Women in Copenhagen, where the over 100 women from across the world voted for a holiday to recognize the efforts of striking garment workers in the United States. In an era of dangerous working conditions for millions of immigrant women, tragedies like fires in garment factories that killed hundreds of workers in the early 1900’s led to the formation of the Factory Investigating Commission that Frances Perkins, the first female secretary of labor, was involved in. In essence, thousands of people across the world organized to make this day happen to recognize the atrocious working and living conditions of women workers. Turn the page to 2013. My Facebook page is blowing up with little notes of congratulations and recognition to women for International Women’s Day. But like Mother’s Day—its philosophical bedrock was based on groups of mothers who had lost their sons in the Civil War coming together in peace and reconciliation—the true meaning of today gets lost behind the buzz of, “We are all women, and let’s celebrate this.” I’m starting to sound like Bill O’Reilly, a.k.a. Mr. Let’s-Keep-the-Christ-in-Christmas. I guess my tagline would be: let’s keep the plight of undereducated, exploited, poverty-stricken, and subjugated women across the world in mind when we talk about International Women’s Day. Nicholas Kristoff, one of my favorite columnists for the New York Times wrote for a few years back for the the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day about the three steps he believes advance the plight of women across the world the most. These are: education of girls, deworming and micronutrients, and support of female-owned businesses. I’m with him on the education and business aspects. I’m also fully on the access to contraception bandwagon. My friends and I bitch and moan about how “hormonal” birth control makes us. Sure. But it seems as educated women we’ve almost completely lost sight of how unaccessible, underfunded, and culturally unacceptable birth control still is for millions of women. And how access to birth control saves women’s lives and allows them more control over their own future. Then again, we have educated male partners willing to wear condoms, something many of these same women don’t have. These are my thoughts on this day: if girls had access to education and women access to birth control, world domination would be in our hands. (Cue evil, estrogen-infused laugh~Bua ha ha HA!) But in all seriousness (let’s play make-believe for a minute) if you could pick two global interventions to improve the lives of women and have them fully funded, what would they be?...
read moreHappy First Birthday
Lessons of wisdom from a one-year-old blog. I started this blog a year ago. I wanted to write a book about the sexuality of mothers and someone told me I should start a blog, so I did. The blog has had a lot of growing to do as I figured out not only the logistics of setting up a blog, but of writing for one. I should warn you, this post is about writing— meaning it is a long one— so, you might want to take a break and make yourself a sandwich if you are feeling committed to reading it. (And thank you, by the way, if you are). Writing, that’s the tough part. I always read things and think, I could easily write that, and do it better. I have a crazy intelligent sister who loves spending hours curled up with her laptop writing for her teaching blog who has also written a memoir-of-sorts based on three summers she spent at a home for elderly sex workers in Mexico (yes—this exists) that she stopped submitting to agents because she’s sick of it. (The submitting, but also the book.) Let me tell you, I’ve read it, as has every member of my family, and her book is great. But she thinks it isn’t, so in the meantime it sits in her documents file as she continues pumping out really solid writing about her job as a teacher and about education. Like I said, I started this blog because I hope to write a book. I should also say, I’m pretty sure that if I had the book written and sitting in my documents file I don’t think I’d be able to write another word until I got it published, or self-published; needing outside validation of having completed such a massive accomplishment. But not my sister, nope, she just writes because she can’t not write. I admire that more than I can say. I hear that about writers—that they write because they have the compulsion to do so. I have tended to go both ways. I went years without writing anything. I also wrote way too much for many of my formative years and I have piles of journals to show for it. They are all addressed to God. And who doesn’t want to read pages and pages of fourteen-year-old writing enumerating the various attributes of certain gorgeous boys at school—all in prayer format? But, I digress. Writing this blog makes me write. Without an ultimate goal, deadlines, or even some good old fashioned arm-twisting I can be pretty useless in the getting-shit-done department. So starting a blog has helped me write. Lesson #1 Start a blog if you want to write a book, have no idea where to begin, and just need a project that makes you write. I started this blog because I want to write about sex and moms—a huge topic right? But when it came time to write, the only place I could tap into that felt honest and flowed easily were from my own experiences, my own sex life. I was liberated by writing about it and terrified. Seriously, if my grandma ever finds this blog and reads about my preferred brand of lube or...
read moreNew Year’s challenge for moms: What turns you on?
(Why is there a 90’s photo of Jared Leto in this post? Read on to find out……and don’t judge.) Many moms often face two challenges when it comes to sex: getting turned on and following that up with great sex. Our libidos don’t fire up when we want them to—or everytime we want them to—and when we have sex, it can feel, just okay, or even disappointing. So, I’m devoting this week’s blog post to exploring sexual arousal and desire. Because feeling good about sex helps us feel good about ourselves and our relationships. Here’s the first step we can take together. I’m going to call it my New Year’s challenge for moms: Figure out what turns you on! I’ve blogged before about how things change sexually through the course of our relationships and how what turned us on at one point, might no longer work. So instead of blaming ourselves, thinking our libidos have burned out for good, or losing hope, I hope you will take this challenge with me. 1) Talk with your partner about what is and isn’t working for you in bed, and brainstorm together some ideas to try. Write these down. On mom recently told me, “Why is it that I get dressed up in sexy lingerie to turn him on, when he doesn’t need any help in that department. Why aren’t we doing things that turn me on?” 2) Don’t hold back on your list-making. Things that get you sexually excited can range from the obvious, like fantasies about movie stars (or teenage heart-throbs), to the oddly mundane. I know a mom whose husband light-heartedly teases her about her top two male fantasy figures: David Duchovny from the X-files and Taylor Lautner the werewolf in the Twilight series. He jokes that if my friend and David Duchovny were to have a love child it could be Taylor Lautner. But jokes aside, I love it when my husband sends me a searing look across a crowded room. That reminder that he desires me and yet we can’t act on it, works for me. What works for you? Compile a list of all the movies, books, photos, fantasy scenarios, touches, kisses, costumes, sex toys, locations to have sex, types of dates, mood-setting elements, levels of house cleanliness, and interactions with your partner that get you excited. 3) Can you make yourself orgasm? If you have difficulty having orgasms with your partner, take some time to explore by yourself what you need to reach an orgasm. Many moms do not orgasm during penetrative sex and need manual or oral stimulation to come. This is normal, in fact, it is the norm. An orgasm is an orgasm, there is no right or wrong way to have one. Find what works for you. Have you tried a vibrator? There are many online websites where you an buy one from the privacy of your own home. Vibrators can be used inside the vagina or outside on the clitoris and the vibrations stimulate quickly and effectively. Once you have practiced on your own, then show your partner so you can do it together. An added challenge: if you have no trouble with orgasms, see how many different types of orgasms you can have during...
read moreHow to reclaim amazing sex
So, here’s the scoop that is no surprise to anyone. Sexual relationships are challenging. Especially long-term ones where you have sex with the same person—and only that person—for ever and ever, amen. Lately I’ve had many conversations with moms who say things like, “Sarah, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Nothing gets me in the mood for sex. All the things that used to work, aren’t working anymore. I just feel like something’s wrong with me.” I can relate. When I have ho-hum, hum-drum sex for a period of time, I take it personally. I think I’m doing something wrong, or that something is wrong with my relationship. But here’s the thing. There is nothing wrong with us. It is NORMAL for sex to feel boring or uninspiring. When you’ve been having sex with the same person for years and years, it’s no surprise that things in bed may not feel as earth-shaking as they did in the past. And wanting better sex is not wrong. In fact it’s good for you and good for your relationship. We deserve to be turned on and we deserve to have amazing sex. And it takes work. There’s no better place to start than with this: The best sex advice I’ve read recently is from Dan Savage at Savage Love and it gets to the crux of sexual issues in many long-term sexual relationships when a partner or both partners “feel inhibited during sex because you’re in love, and people who are in love are supposed to have sex one way (you’re supposed to make safe, boring, predictable love). But people who aren’t in love…..are free to have sex another way (they’re allowed to have wild, passionate, and unpredictable fucks).” His advice? “Give Mr. Long Term permission to fuck you like he’s never going to see you again. You should fuck him the same way. Fuck each other like the stakes are low—fuck like it’s casual, fuck like it could end at any time.” (My apologies if you are offended by the word fuck, but you may want to re-think reading things on the internet, if you are.) I fucking love his advice. And I love the challenge it gives those of us with our own Mr. or Ms. Long-Term. Find ways to fuck again. Making love is nice, but it sure as hell isn’t as gratifying as an amazing fuck. Not sure about this? I’m willing to bet your partner won’t mind at all if you were to say to him or her, “Babe, I love you and I love making love to you. But I would really love to fuck each other’s brains out. Are you up to the challenge?” Try it, and let me know how it...
read moreQ/A about female sexuality from the NY Times
Dr. Susan Kellogg, the co-founder of the Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Philadelphia, answered questions submitted by readers about female sexuality. One great piece of advice for getting the sexual juices flowing: make a regular routine of erotic reading. A good way to start is at least 20 minutes three times per week. This is important because many women tell me they have difficulty “getting in the mood” for sex. Reading arousing literature, whether it is a mildly explicit romance novel or “Fifty Shades of Grey,” helps women to create fantasy-type thoughts that get the mind away from life’s pressures. Simply put, using fantasy can jump-start desire. Click here to read Part 1, and click here to read part 2. Be sure to read the comments sections; some great discussion there. What are your thoughts about the pieces? Any advice you liked? Anything you disagreed with?...
read moreThe Sessions
We recently saw the wonderful movie, The Sessions; one that is sure to garner some Oscar accolades come Academy Awards season. The Sessions stars John Hawkes as Mark O’Brien, a writer unable to move from the neck down from polio. It’s based on an article he wrote in 1990 for the The Sun, about hiring a sex surrogate to have sex with for the first time, at the age of 38. A devout Catholic, he lived most of his life in an Iron Lung that kept him breathing. He could leave it for hours at a time, transported on a gurney by an attendant. In the movie, what is striking about Mark is that his body is not paralyzed in the typical way we think of paralysis—he can feel anything that touches him—he is just unable to move. Mark’s sexual journey begins while researching an article he is writing about sex and the disabled. He is first mortified, but then mesmerized by the vivid, earthy descriptions his interviewees give about how they have sex (one of the funniest lines in the movie comes from a woman he is interviewing who thanks her lucky stars her husband smoked as much pot as he did because since he lost his sense of taste he can go down on her for hours.) Inspired by the people he interviews who have sexual lives amidst varying degrees of disability, he decides to hire a sex-surrogate, Cheryl, played by a mostly naked and always outstanding Helen Hunt, to relieve him of his virginity. The difference between a sex surrogate and a sex-worker, she explains, is that sex surrogates will only meet with you a prescribed number of times, while a sex-worker wants continued business. Hunt, approaches having sex with Mark with the professional and intellectual curiosity of a sociology professor. Their first encounter is punctuated by her casualness as she takes off her clothes and the terrified-yet-intrigued reverence with which Mark looks at the first naked woman he’s ever seen. It also ends abruptly. With a lightining-quick ejaculation and his embarrassment when she places his crippled, stiff hand on her breast. Over their next encounters they work methodically and painstakingly. Cheryl, to accustom him to naked bodies, touching, caressing, and eventually penetrative intercourse. Mark, on the other hand, feels a type of frustrated sexual pleasure at having sex with a person he doesn’t know at all, and he attempts to create an emotional connection with Hunt; in one instance through poetry he writes for her: Let me touch you with my words for my hands lie limp as empty gloves Let my words stroke your hair Slide down your back and tickle your belly Ignore my wishes and stubbornly refuse to carry out my quietest desires Let my words enter your mind bearing torches The movie skillfully follows the emotional depth of Mark’s original article. “Why do rehabilitation hospitals teach disabled people how to sew wallets and cook from a wheelchair but not deal with a person’s damaged self-image? Why don’t these hospitals teach disabled people how to love and be loved through sex, or how to love our unusual bodies?” Mark writes. “Another lesson learned: sex is a part of ordinary living, not an activity reserved for gods, goddesses, and rock stars.” He describes seeing...
read moreThe Friday Five: Seventh Edition
I know, it’s not Friday, but the recent holidays (including family visits) have wacked-out my regular blogging schedule, so we’ll call today Friday. Don’t you wish it was! This week’s contributor, Lori V. Fogarsi is a forty-two-year-old mom of two and stepmom of two more. Lori shares her take on being a sexual mama of four, “the kids are now eleven, fourteen, seventeen, and nineteen, and without a doubt, maintaining my sexy side has been a challenge and a learning experience over the years. I’m an author, speaker, and small business consultant who works from home while also doing all of the full-time mom stuff.” About Lori: Lori Verni-Fogarsi is the author of the novel, “Momnesia,” which has recently been designated a National Indie Excellence Book Awards Finalist. She has been a freelance writer, columnist, journalist, and seminar speaker for 15+ years, and has authored one nonfiction book, “Everything You Need to Know About House Training Puppies and Adult Dogs,” which has been widely acclaimed in its genre. Lori is a happily married mom of two, step mom of two more, and has two cats, both rotten. Her next novel, “Gramnesia” has a release date of April 19, 2013. She invites you to learn more atwww.LoriTheAuthor.com and join her on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/LoriTheAuthor How Would You Describe Your Sex Life After Kids? Initially, I was so absorbed in parenting that sex was the last thing on my mind! Between breastfeeding and all the changes in my body, there was even a point when I felt like I couldn’t have cared less if I never had sex again! As the children grew more independent, I realized that I started missing sex, but I was still having a hard time accepting the changes in my body. More recently, I’ve come to accept that just like our emotional selves, our bodies also go through different phases. Instead of lamenting the body I used to have, I do my best to embrace the characteristics I have, right now at this time in my life. What’s been your biggest sexual challenge since becoming a mom? Finding the time, energy, and desire to actually have sex, as well as accepting the changes in my physique. What is the most important thing to you about your sexuality? I find that I really need to feel desired in order to be in “the mood.” When I’m exhausted, feeling under-appreciated, or overwhelmed with responsibilities, it can be really difficult to get into the spirit. My husband and I face this challenge by being sure to spend some time together doing “non-kid” things, and by vowing not to spend every moment of our alone time talking about the children and all of their inevitable dilemmas. What does being a sexual mama mean to you? To me, it’s more than just the act of sex. It’s about feeling like a sexy person… or even a person at all, in general, rather than being solely defined as a mom. It’s hard, but I strive to balance my responsibilities to my family and to my Self, so I can try to enjoy both. What’s the best thing about your sex life now? Without question, it’s having arrived at a place in my relationship with my husband where we are comfortable enough to accept one another’s...
read moreMoms’ Self-Esteem: Are We ‘Waiting to Get Our Sexy Back?’–Guest Post by Lori Verni-Fogarsi
I recently “met” fellow mom-writer Lori Verni-Fogarsi online and was thrilled when she asked to contribute a guest post about her recent book, “Momnesia.” Moms. We’re just so… mommyish. Which is a good thing, for the most part! I mean, it’s important to take good care of the children we’ve brought into this world and for most of us, our “momminess” is not the struggle. Our sexiness? That’s another issue altogether, and much harder to maintain in face of the daily challenges of parenting. In my novel, “Momnesia,” an average suburban mom concludes that she’s become completely overrun by her dedication to being a good mom, and realizes that she (and everyone else) has forgotten about herself as a regular person. A woman. A sexy, fun-loving lady who has interests other than rhyming books and PTA meetings. She sets about finessing a new version of her old vivaciousness. The problem? She doesn’t feel sexy anymore, and according to many women I’ve spoken with in real life, this is very common. In fact, one of the most frequent comments I hear is, “Sexiness? Yeah, right!” Many of us have a tendency to look back at who we used to be. Whether a high school cheerleader or an average gal, we often feel like we’ve strayed so far, it’s almost unimaginable that we’d ever feel the way we did before kids. Between that and all we see in the media, it’s no wonder so many of us feel decidedly un-sexy. To some extent, we’re right. The fact is, we’re not in high school and we’re never going to look and feel exactly like we did before kids. In the story, the main character comes to this conclusion and realizes that if she “waits” to feel sexy again, she could easily be waiting forever. She also concludes that it would be extraordinarily unlikely that she would look back in ten years and think she looks any better then, than she did right now: “The Chicken Belly Flap Thing and all the other imperfections would undoubtedly still be there, but there would also be innumerable other blemishes; physical woes I hadn’t even thought of yet.” So many of us are “waiting for” something to happen before we “allow ourselves” to feel sexy again, but really it’s up to us to make it happen in our own hearts and minds. In our actions. In the way we think about our Selves. Instead of mourning all of the things that have changed, we can make the choice to appreciate the positive characteristics we do have, right now, at this time in our lives. So, what do you say ladies? Shall we bring our sexy back, starting now? You bet! Lori Verni-Fogarsi is the author of the novel, “Momnesia,” which has recently been designated a National Indie Excellence Book Awards Finalist. She has been a freelance writer, columnist, journalist, and seminar speaker for 15+ years, and has authored one nonfiction book, “Everything You Need to Know About House Training Puppies and Adult Dogs,” which has been widely acclaimed in its genre. Lori is a happily married mom of two, step mom of two more, and has two cats, both rotten. Her next novel, “Gramnesia” has a release date of April 19, 2013. She invites you to learn more at www.LoriTheAuthor.com and join her on Facebook...
read moreMOMS VOTE: What matters most to moms about their sexuality?
In honor of election day (don’t forget to vote!!) I want to take an informal poll. What is most important to you as a mom about your sexuality? What issues do you wish you heard more about? Are there any parts of the sexuality of mothers that you think are ignored and you would like to read more about? I’d love it if you would take a moment and respond in the comments section (anonymously is fine) about what matters most to you as a mom in your sex life so that I can address those issues in future blog posts. What matters to you? Is it finding time to have a sexual relationship with your partner? Is it keeping your sexual flame alive through masturbation? Is providing your kids straightforward information about sexuality? Tell us, what’s important to you? —————————————————————– Here are a few things about my sexuality as a woman and a mom that I think are important: – It matters to me for moms to know that it is okay feel very sexual sometimes (and to act on this in wild and crazy ways) and to know that it’s also okay when you don’t. There isn’t a right way, a wrong way, a right number, or a wrong number. As long as you are able to communicate openly what feels right to you. -It matters to me that moms don’t forget how easy, quick, and enjoyable masturbation is and give themselves permission to do it! -It matters to me that my children understand at an age-appropriate level that YES mom and dad have sex, YES we enjoy it, and YES it is an important part of our relationship. This means they learn to respect a closed door while mom and dad have alone time. This means that they also see us being flirtatious and physically affectionate with each other. This is some of the most important role-modeling we can give them–so they can have healthy sexual relationships of their own in the future! -It matters to me that I feel able to communicate my sexual needs to my partner–what works and what doesn’t, even if it feels hard or embarrassing to do. ——————————————– Now, what matters most to...
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